Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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