I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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