Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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