Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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