at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
