just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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