my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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