Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
