also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
