I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
