Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
