If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
