i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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