That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
