i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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