Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
