I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
