Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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