Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
