So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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