just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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