Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
