there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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