We're like a lot better than the average bears
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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