he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
