Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
