I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
