Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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