My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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