judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
