I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
