you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
