absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
