she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
