Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
