I just pynch a tree in the face
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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