you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
