More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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