I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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