Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
