I wish I could teleport
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
