i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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