If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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