Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
