I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You pole danced in your parka.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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