Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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