I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
