I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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