I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
