I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Two words: nipple clamps
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